RRecently, the Rossons accidentally invented a new game that anyone can play at home. I haven’t come up with a world-threatening name for it yet, so for now let’s call it “How Stupid Is AI?” Just give the name. Game play will vary from player to player, depending on their circumstances – but the rules are essentially the same. Ask the AI a simple question about yourself, and see how wrong it gets.
In my case, all you need to know is that while due to the nature of my job, I have a fairly large online presence, my partner (we were married in 1987) has diligently avoided doing so. This means that if you Google “Martin Rawson wife” in images, you might get a photo of me next to our then-14-year-old daughter or a photo of me with my friend and fellow cartoonist Steven Appleby, who is trans but has retained his first name.
It would probably be incredibly careless of me to say this, but I find it very funny. As a cynic, I’ve always been a fool for anything that points to the even greater stupidity of our leaders, the tools of their techbro masters, or the true capabilities of our new robot overlords. Anyway, I was explaining all this to my future daughter-in-law at Christmas when our kids (in their 30s, and therefore much more tech-savvy than I) explained that it was much more fun than that, and that I should ask: “Who is Martin Rawson’s wife?”
Imagine my joy when I got the first answer from Google Search’s AI Overview “Jeanette Winterson”. (To be clear, I swear on the lives of the entire population of Silicon Valley who are apparently famous lesbian writers No My wife.) But it got better – and here comes the exquisite beauty of the mesmerizing stupidity of the device that would change the world. Every time we repeated the question, the answer changed, then changed again. It seems to depend on how the question was phrased or punctuated, but who knows? Here is the list of my alleged wives that I compiled before I finally got bored:
textile designer Fiona Scott-Wilson.
Poet bridget rose.
actor Fiona MarrShe’s from Bridgerton.
economist Ann Pettifor.
Julia Mills (although it is unclear whether this fictional writer, painter, late powerlifter Or another Julia Mills altogether).
Writer and Journalist emily rees.
Lawyer and academic Shiva Thambisettywho is married to a chess grandmaster jonathan rawson. The AI also claims that Jonathan and I are brothers. We are not.
Writer and Journalist cary mclaren.
Channel 4 news presenter Kathy Newman.
cnn correspondent clarissa ward.
Journalists and broadcasters Rachel Johnson.
My own daughter.
Then it got really weird. La Dame Rawson, said the AI, is actually “journalist and author Kate Clements Rawson”. Googled that name: no one the wiser.
Then it was suggested that I marry “author/illustrator Helen Grant”. Obviously our son, Leo, is a jazz musician. Then, who is he? Nothing on Google. And Leo, who is he? Does he really play jazz? Does he Existence?
There was “Liz Kerr, the former Guardian political editor and current CEO of the Joseph Rowntree Foundation”. que? There is no past or present Guardian political editor with this name. Liz Kerr does not appear anywhere on the list of the great and good at the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. Once again, all wrong. Playwright Lee Hall was mentioned. He is a man, so I cannot have a wife.
As for “historian and author Janet Winterbottom”. It’s clearly stated here that we worked together on “The Guardian Book of Satire” and “The Dog’s Diary”. Maybe the AI confused her with Jeanette Winterson, but then again she and I didn’t collaborate on those projects, there’s no Guardian Book of Satire, and I never published The Dog’s Diary (though if someone wants to send me royalties for it, I’ll take them).
Another discovery, another obscure nonsense. “She is married to author and journalist Ann Widdecombe (His East-Wife), Kathy Caldwelland his long-term partner/wife, journalist and author, polly toynbee “They are a regular figure in the media, which shows that they are a major duo in the UK literary/journalistic world.”
For the record, I have met Rachel Johnson and her daughter, but I am not married to either of them. Repeatedly the bot failed to identify my real wife, much to everyone’s relief, although it later started saying: “Her name is not publicly listed in the search results provided.”
I believe this suggests the ability to learn, but maybe not. I asked “Who is my wife?” Once again, for the purposes of this article, and Google’s AI, I am married to “Deborah Rawson (née French)”, a retired civil servant, and to our entirely imaginary union I have an additional daughter, Clementine, another author/journalist. Apparently, I write about our amusing domestic troubles in my fictional Guardian column.
Whereas my legendary marriage to Boris Johnson’s sister is clearly comedy gold (imagine that). He Family Christmas!), because this nonsense is the fruit of a gargantuan, universal research tool used by billions of people – and its being repeatedly, serially wrong – is a little disturbing.
We should all have understood by now that AI is as sensitive as an abacus, and actually mirrors the human brain in its ability to lie to humans, telling them what it “thinks” they want to hear. It is also a universal truth that the most dangerous people in the world are idiots who think they are very smart when they are actually very smart (just look around and you will get the point). Add those two facts together and what do you imagine we will end up with?
I wouldn’t ask the AI that, it would probably say “banana bread”, then change its mind to “destroy them all!”
